Practice and Thoughts

Train

Yesterday, a typhoon hit the metropolitan area of Tokyo.

Within a span of 4 hours, the 88 degree Farenheit weather chilled down to an ominous 65, followed by dark, angry clouds rapidly creeping to cover what little was left of the sun’s rays. The only class I had for that day, Japanese Politics and Law, was cancelled. Of course, I was stupid enough to not check my email and ended up traveling an hour and thirty minutes to campus just to hear that all students were required to head back home.

Besides being disgruntled by the fact that I had to travel so far to get to school, I was stuck on whether I should stick around the area for the tutoring lesson I had to teach around 7 pm. I decided on hiding in the library for as long as I can. However, it didn’t turn out too well, for I was soon caught and kicked out like a unwanted animal. Wondering what I should do now, I called up the mother of the student I was supposed to teach to ask her if we should cancel the lesson. Crazy Korean woman. She told me canceling was not an option because her daughter must get at least a 2350 on the SAT, which happened to be in 10 days. In other words, she prioritized her daughter’s stupid test over my very important life. Anyway, I figured that since she was paying me a hefty sum of money, I might as well go along with it. This was around 3 pm.

The typhoon hit right as I was walking towards the student’s house around 6:30. After my umbrella snapped not in half but into like 10 pieces, I was chased by policemen trying to force me into finding shelter, lost in my student’s neighborhood for 20 minutes, and of course, thoroughly drenched by the end of it all. Blah blah blah. I taught, waited out the storm for like an hour until the subways resumed, and headed for the station to go home around 9 pm.

When I walked down into the subway station, I was thrown into a crowd of hundreds of people who had waited out the storm in the station, all wanting to return home now that the trains were working again. You’ve heard of Japanese people and their resolute determination, unnatural sense of order, and incredible patience, right? I experienced it. There were literally hundreds of people waiting in line. LINE. If it was America, people would be in little bundles, all fighting and struggling to crowd into the trains. Well, the Japanese all stood in line, and when the train finally came, they all politely flowed in as orderly as possible. On top of that, they crushed themselves into the trains so that the maximum possible number of people could fit into the small space.

By the time I managed to squeeze into one of the train cars, I was literally mashed into 7 other bodies around me. This is when I experience something absolutely phenomenal. The train was filled with various scents - rain (yes, rain does have a smell), floral perfume, damp sweat, to-go food of different kinds - all jumbled together like a big hotpot full of odd stuff. Odd limbs were sticking out in awkward positions, and not a single person could move more than a few centimeters of any parts of their body. Yet, the smell, the people, the experience - it all reflected the same idea. The train was a gathering place, a symbol of life beyond what we experience on an ordinary basis. The typhoon, by forcing strangers from all walks of life to press against others and basically cuddle together as if we were all one large family, made us mentally and physically connect in a way that is usually tabooed in society. It wasn’t just me thinking weird things, either. I could see people smiling at others, all sharing the same thought - despite our different backgrounds, you and I are no different when it comes to the present, the current state of being, the now.

It took me 3 hours to get home. But this time, I was thankful for the long ride. After living in a limited realm for such a long time, life unexpectedly expanded my world by, ironically, giving me as little space as physically possible. The 3 hour experience of universal sharing - not a physical sharing, but one of emotion and tacit understanding - allowed me to briefly step out of my inner sphere.

It felt good to be alive.

8 months ago Notes →

On Gratitude

A couple of weeks ago, I was using my laptop in a subway train when I was suddenly interrupted by a lady next to me.

“How much did that cost?”

“700 dollars.”

I answered matter-of-factly without turning towards her, wholly unfazed by her inquiry.

“Do you need it everyday?”

“… Yes?”

This time, I made the effort to tear my gaze off the screen and look her over. African-American in her mid 40’s, lightly overweight, unhygienic. Impoverished, from the look of her clothes. She was eyeing my laptop with intense curiosity, making me feel slightly uncomfortable. I soon resumed my task at hand, and for two awkward minutes, she continued to stare at my laptop before getting off the train at the next stop. At the moment, I didn’t make much of the situation. A very poor person saw a laptop and was intrigued by it. The end.

Fast forward several weeks to now, around midday of a typical Saturday. Here I am, sitting at my desk in my dorm room, typing up a Tumblr post. Several minutes ago I was still here sitting at my desk, but instead of using my laptop, I was practicing kanji using flashcards and a small notebook. While studying, I came across a kanji that I was unsure of, so I immediately looked up from my flashcards to look it up on the internet using the laptop in front of me.

And then, I remembered the lady from the subway train. “Do you need it everyday?” ‘Of course I need it everyday, and as matter of fact, I need it right now to look up this kanji’ were the thoughts that came to mind. But with that thought, it suddenly struck me that I had, until now, overlooked a fundamental implication within her question. She didn’t need to use the laptop everyday. In fact, she most likely can’t even own one, due to financial hardships on her part.

Her question didn’t change the fact that I need a laptop, but it did suggest a significant disparity between her role in life and mine. My lifestyle, and especially my situation as a college student, requires me to own a laptop; hers doesn’t. Inspired by the thought, I took a quick look around my desk, and then my room. Besides my laptop, flashcards and notebook, on my desk is my iPod, a desk lamp, an alarm clock, a water boiler, my cell phone, a mug, two pencils, and an eraser. In my room, I see my bed, a refrigerator, an unused printer, a football, luggage bags, three long rows of books, a pencil sharpener, some candy, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Besides these things, I own more clothes, more beauty/health products, more electronic gadgets, and more resources in general than I realistically need.

Going beyond the immediate physical objects around me, my lifestyle itself says much about my position in life. I spend $57,000 a year to go to an elite educational institution in the most renown city in the world, I eat and drink what I want as much as I want without thinking too much about it, I buy things in stores and online as if I am entitled to them, and I aspire to pursue to a career that is extremely elitist and lucrative by nature. And yet, I still would not consider myself one of the more privileged people in my vicinity.

Clearly, I take things for granted. But my question is, what right do I have to take things for granted? I could make the argument that my parents worked hard to be able to provide me with what I need, and likewise, I worked hard to get to where I am now… so I deserve it. However, how can I justify being born to such hardworking parents and being endowed by life in having these useful values and characteristics? I, in essence, am a mere human being. Just like the lady in the train. There is no difference between us, except for the fact that we have been born in different times, in different places, and to different people that have all ultimately molded us into the two different individuals we know ourselves to be.

I admit that it’s nearly impossible for me to constantly think these thoughts. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to give up all that I have to live an austere and ascetic life, because regardless of where others are, I still have a role to play in society and its flow.

Nonetheless, I should be grateful for my laptop.

1 year ago 2 notes →

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

1 year ago Notes →

Appreciation

As time goes by, you come to understand,

The things those were once bitter and unpleasant,

Will sweeten in aftertaste.

As time goes by, you come to realize,

That stench and fragrance are no different,

And that warmth also exists in cold, hard surfaces.

Have they altered? Perhaps.

And perhaps, it is you, who have changed,

Finding new angles in the same shape,

Discovering unheard chords in old music.

In the end, it is not what you sense, but what you perceive,

That is remembered.

1 year ago 5 notes →

jabnacc asked: I really enjoyed reading "Cold" and I am working on my own creative writing. Who did you use as your inspiration? Is this about a certain girl?

An attractive looking girl said hi to me as I was walking home one cold night. She was the inspiration I guess.

1 year ago 1 note →

Cold

A stranger. She is familiar - have they met before? … Perhaps. It seems that they had met briefly about a year ago. Yet, it feels different. The stranger is surprisingly gentle in her approach, felt by a calmness in her gait as she comes closer to him. She confronts.

She is quiet at first. He notices that she is attractive. Polite and well-mannered, a respectable distance is maintained between the two. He still doesn’t know her. Light conversation, both are content in the moment. Curiously, she seems to be coming closer as time goes by. He notices a vibe of intimacy in her. What does she want?

Without warning, she has touched his face. He is startled. She begins caressing his face like an understanding lover, reaching at the same time to lightly press his hands. She tickles, kisses, and holds. She nips his ear. Hesitatingly, she reaches under his clothes. He has no control. The hesitancy changes to conviction, a deliberateness in her movement. The sensation has spread across his torso, exploiting each and every sensitive area of his body.

He does not mind at first. It is new, a novel experience. However, the subtlety and the sense of purity disappears, replaced by a gradual increase in aggression. She has lost her attractiveness. What began as a sensation of pleasure has transitioned into sporadic bouts of pain. He has no control. She hurts him, and he screams.

His body convulses. The pain becomes unbearable - sharp, biting, aching pain, but she does not stop. Vivid, loud, pungent, repulsive, the pain takes on synesthetic forms. It embodies him, and he has no control. He becomes one with the pain.

And then, she halts. He had run away, but she did not follow. The pain slowly recedes, and he has gained control. He now knows who she is. She waits for him, outside.

1 year ago 5 notes →

taesongkim asked: why no enable comments/replies?

i don’t know how to :(

1 year ago 0 notes →

On Judgment

Sometimes, I feel like judging people is such a hassle. Ironically, I’m a pretty judgmental guy.

When you meet someone, you make thousands of instant mental judgments - both subconscious and conscious - that fabricate this stranger’s unique image and ambiance. Physical appearance. Humor. Fashion. Vocal inflection. Scent. Interests.

They help answer questions. Are you going to ignore this person the next time you see them or become their best friend? Is the conversation going to end in three minutes or evolve into a prolonged marathon of interesting discussions? Will this person even matter in your life?

As you go beyond your usual, conventional group of friends and start to meet people, different people, the range and breadth of these factors start to outdo your mind’s capacity to accept. This limit in your acceptance is where you make the cross from using your judgments to understand to using your judgments to alienate, jumping from positive to negative reaction. And we can’t help but think this way because it streamlines and organizes the chaotic nonsense that we call “life.”

What I’ve come to realize is that in developing human relationships, the process of getting to know a person doesn’t have to start and end with judgments -there’s an extra stage that you can activate, albeit with some effort. I would call it… recalibration. Usually, you can’t control your first impressions or initial judgments. However, after seeing this first impression, you can choose to make a conscious attempt to adjust that impression so that your biases and prejudices are minimized.

When you take this step, life just becomes more… interesting. You find out that guy on your floor who wears slippers with socks and loves Warhammer 40K actually has an extremely versatile sense of humor. The girl who bitches all the time, the one that seems to hate everyone, when you reach beyond and become closer, is actually very loving person.

This kind of perspective is perhaps more idealistic than how most people view life. Maybe it’s complete bullshit.

Still, it doesn’t hurt to give a thought about it.

1 year ago 2 notes →

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

A Beautiful Moment

New York is so loud. The window in my new dorm room faces Amsterdam Avenue, a road that emits a nasty blend of constant beeping, rustling, and screeching from cars, buses, trucks, and pedestrians. During the night, it really feels as if the city is doing its utmost best to jar you awake several times during your sleep. People tell me that the daily sounds of the city will eventually become muted background noise, some even going as far as to say that it becomes a comfort lull. It really is interesting to see how quickly humans adapt to new environments, how blaring sounds can become soft melodies to one’s ear.

Actually, this isn’t what I wanted to write about. What I really wanted to write about was a single experience I had several days ago during my road trip up to New York, an experience so perfect that I felt the need to record it somewhere. Before you read the following, I suggest you… relax. Try to visualize what’s going on. It goes something along the lines of this:

The digital clock on my car blinked a blue 11 pm. I had been driving for about an hour, an hour of mindless 75 miles per hour on a straight road, and something had been bothering me for the past several minutes.

Then, I realized. Time had stopped, and I was alone. There were no cars in front of me, no cars behind me, and my parents were lightly snoring in their seats after a long day of traveling. Looking out at the landscape, the world was empty save the dark silhouettes of the trees against the darker forms of the mountain range, all clothed by the pure, unadulterated blackness of the heavy sky. No road lights, no street signs. My own headlights illuminated the straight road in front of me, but even that didn’t change - endless lines raced along the space ahead, not ever missing a beat or changing its pattern, never curving or turning.

Time had frozen inside too. The caliginosity of the outside world, juxtaposed by the irradiative blue of the speedometer, a jet-bright blue that seemed like it didn’t belong - an anachronism in the primitive surroundings. The blue flashed 75, frozen too, refusing to try on a different number.

The world was dead, except one - the music playing in the car. The music alone was untouched, breathing soft piano chords of The Yellow Room. No, the music wasn’t alone - I was there too. But unlike the music, I wasn’t alive. My eyes could see, my ears could hear, and my nose and mouth could breathe, but all I could do was observe the world. I contributed nothing in this place, only the music fabricated the remaining pulse. Beautiful.

I imagine this is what death might be like - timeless, lifeless, changeless - but beautiful. Stillness is almost impossible to find these days. Like the streets of New York, there is no pause, everything is always, constantly, moving and sounding. Finding that quiet moment away from the rapid flow of human progression, to appreciate the man-made and natural world without the extra noise, is truly a rare occasion.

1 year ago 2 notes →